If you could be anything you wanted...

9:19pm: papa and son
Happy Birthday



Xander Nicholas Evans

4 August 2006

"This is the Lord of the Gods:
This is the Lord of the Universe:
This is He Whom the Winds fear.
This is He, Who having made Voice by His Commandment,
is Lord of All Things; King, Ruler, and Helper."

12:02am: Another Day
keep it clean simple untangled please don't make another mess of me as I turn wide eyed at the mess of you grasp hands in the dark and find our way to surfaces bright we may be broken but skylines never lied. so what's another day in this hell if you're beside yourself and me as well? Lady I learned that you're my heart.

so show me days of peace unbroken please respite from the doldrums of a love I'd left beside the empty shell of my pride. show me there's more to this than lies. Show me you meant it please as we danced inside that little nebulous of time cut off from every memory of hurt and sleight. I know your soul's got worn down but show me how you raised the brightest stars in the night.. Help me heal now as you showed me how to love again then once upon what seems a lifetime removed from these fights. Show me that there's more to this than lies. What's another day in hell if you're beside yourself and me as well? What's another day spent in hell?

12:52am: Someday
forget about the girl we knew come broken in june, come septembers gloom that it's you who broken in two just wished us away. Ugly everything it won't ever be okay. you can never get away from this worst kind of fear... they say it's over when come someday soon and life begins again. just say you're sorry or maybe we'll pretend. worse than wanting I forgot this regret shouldn't learn to feel I wish you'd never made me heal. say you're sorry or maybe I'll pretend.

bitter just a little but the altar got cold november's come quicker since you waivered and all I've got is fold. Now it's you who breaking came betrayals hand. Ugly everything, it won't ever be okay. you can never get away from this worst kind of yesterdays fear... they say it's over when come someday soon and life begins again. just say I'm worth it or maybe we'll pretend. worse than wanting I forgot this regret should never learn to feel I wish you'd never made me heal. Just say I'm worth it. Or maybe I'll pretend.

8:35pm: I often wonder about people who attempt to validate their beliefs by saying 'it's against the law', as if those who constructed our laws were somehow beyond the clutches of flawed perception or bigotry. As if laws are immutable principles bound by the force of existence and the fabric of reality itself. As I once wrote in an essay for a philosophy course I took, laws are utterly meaningless; it's the men with guns enforcing the laws that you have to be worried about and that's not morality- it's self preservation.

This is an interesting topic because it exposes an underlying hypocrisy (and circular logic) in any number of subjects and people, not limited to the topic or people which spurned this train of thought. Immigration, abortion, gay marriage, the War on Drugs, the War on Terrorism, on and on into infinity.

Allow me to demonstrate in a few paraphrased conversations I've had over the years. First, the circular logic.

A: 'Drugs are bad.'
B: 'Why?'
A: 'Because they're illegal.'
B: 'Why are they illegal?'
A: 'Because they're bad.'

A: 'Denying gays the right to marry is wrong.'
B: 'But marriage has always been between a man and a woman.'
A: 'So?'
B: 'So people marrying the same sex is wrong.'
A: 'Why?'
B: 'Because it's always been wrong.'
A: 'People thought inter-racial marriage was wrong once, too.'
B: 'That's different.'
A: 'How?'
B: 'They're not the same sex.'

You get the idea. Now the underlying hypocrisy. Very few people have black and white views on the morality of breaking laws (even if they say they do). While they stand firm on the laws that reinforce their warped view of the organized chaos we call society, they backtrack on others. If you were poor, would you steal to feed your family? Ever shoplifted? Broken the speed limit? Jaywalked? Robbed a bank? How about your workplace? Ever taken home something you shouldn't have? Permanently 'borrowed' a CD or book or movie from a friend? Given or received sodomy (that includes oral sex)?

Our culture venerates all manner of common criminals. We celebrate the founding of the United States in two days, a land of stolen land, and at the same time hold a national debate on why our borders should be respected. We condemn insurgents for their beheadings and argue that they should be denied the Geneva convention, but bring our children to Disney movies that celebrate Robin Hood- a man who cut off his enemies heads. We decry countries that harbor and aid terrorists, all the while ignoring Iran-Contra, ignoring Manuel Noriega, ignoring decades of carpet bombing, assassinations, nuclear posturing and the American use of chemical weapons. It all goes back to those men I mentioned, those men and their guns. They were bigger than the guns of the Indians and they're bigger than the guns of the immigrants- and that's morality? Might has never made right.

We celebrate, in two days, the founding of a land of supposed freedom and opportunity and at the same time hold a national debate on whether or not we should let people marry who they choose. This is a marginal improvement over the debate on whether or not people should be allowed to fuck who ever they choose- but this is freedom? This is opportunity? This is morality?

We have embedded one form of prohibition while telling everyone how silly the first one we repealed was. I can't get within 100 yards of a political convention without being arrested for not being within the free speech zone, but abortion protestors are free to harass doctors and pregnant women from inches. Opposing the United States and her actions is the new threat replacing communism, but the founding fathers are demi gods for their opposition to the throne. We can spend billions killing people and even more billions training, supplying and maintaining people to kill people, not to mention the billions spent on developing new weapons with which to kill people, but we can't spare the money to give people equal access to necessary medical care. We can bail out airlines and energy companies and banks and businesses of all kinds with billions in tax breaks and overpaid federal insurance claims and simply free money, but we can't expect businesses to pay wages above poverty level.

And where is the party of opposition I keep hearing about in all of this? For all the rhetoric I've seen flying around here lately, for all the cheap jokes and snarky comments and dipshit asides, where are they? Where's the legislation for a moral, non xenophobic immigration policy? Where's the legislation to end the War on Homosexuality? Where's the legislation to end the War on feeding your family? To end the War on Health? The War on Drugs? The War on Terror? I'll leave out the tacit support of sweatshops through NAFTA and the overt support of oppressive regimes like China for now, but where's even basic human dignity?

To quote John Lennon, "You think you're so clever and classless and free, but you're still fucking peasants as far as I can see."

4:04pm: Felt up (Cupid cuts Bone on his Quest for Survival)
we were held up and fed up, you were loves pioneer discretely pacified this visage of fear, of contempt for contemporary love. Oh what two blamed you you'll do scapegoat for ghosts come back to haunt outta blue. You've proved too true to lasting legacies. I can see why you'd wanna change paths but sometimes baby there's no escaping past the past, it's spread too thick. So now cupid's got his scythe and we're all alone... just like we were all along.

we were knelt up and felt up by god and his priests that little chapel failed us for all to see so with this ring thee I flee take this man the devil will still plead while we're blinded by the veils of sanctity. We've grown so close in growing apart I'd love to ruin it and this is a start. We'll hit the ground flailing lose some dignity.Holding us together is tearing us to misery. So now cupid's got his scythe and we're all alone... just like we were all along.

we were knocked up and locked up and dead to the world I was casting my swine before pearls. I couldn't bring myself to wish you away and I could never bear it to ask you to stay. loves contraindication is all that's real and ther shackles of eternity are all's left to feel. So now we've shattered down to the meat beneath bone, I never missed my sanity until I knew it was gone. So now cupid's got his scythe and we're all alone... just like we were all along.

8:57pm: Special K
Eli, Eli lama shabachthani (Elly, Elly la-ma Sabuk Tahn-ee) we say to the God who we can't find moving in our lives our thighs so ask your questions I predict them presuppose them protect my eyes from the abuses of my delusions and constant allusions to these less bitter dreams it seems we're just lenny on the farm what's good for you most would call harm but I'm done with labels loves lost fables tragic solutions for our graceless falls from myth and disillusion.

Eli, Eli, lama shabachthani we wait patient for our gods apologies cause they're not forthcoming. And least from me. but what it's worth I'm sorry protect the projections of our failures from this graceless fall, from georges gun, from bitter tongues. what's left but blood we wept and screams to mark the denial of our disillusions fall from fable?

8:05am: So Long (now you're back)
It's been so long I can't believe I found that little ghost I been so long without.... because of this I come to see I come to believe in tragedy do you have an opinion what I should see you have any words that wouldn't sound so trite from me? I got no words I lost my soul in that picture I found... I felt hell freeze over heard my words just not come out. I spent so long with this ghost of you I don't remember difference from fact or fiction, vertigo or just contrition. You're a myth that came alive for me now I don't know what to see what to do here or believe. someone save me from myself I'm moping at the mouth I got nothing left to dream about now your real self's come about. it's been so long I can't believe I found your little ghost I been so long without.

7:44am: Crush (with dust)
thin little pixie out of time out of cool dust out of mind not even for a minute... I'd've blown my mind in a minute to fit the crime, just wait a minute.... lilting down the street to the backbeat in her mind thin little pixie lilting out to steal this wilting heart of mine wrapped around her spritely little finger... no nobody could be as cool as you I know nobody quite so attractive as you. you got me attentive, stealing breaths, drowning deftly out of depth fading left when I should be spinning right keep me from pushing when I know that I should be fighting this. you keep me calm collected never so easily molested as with you... but I don't mind.

Oh thin little pixy out of time out of cool dust out of mind not even for a minute... keep me dejected, so outta hand rejected while I watch thin little pixie dancing down the street with my heart spiked to her heel. What happened to confident self collection? never so torn apart in turn it took just a minute of watchin my thin little pixie dancing down the street to the backbeat in her mind to steal my adoration, my desired calculation, inner sense of self perfection. All I wanna do is lap up that energy you throw around so freely to everyone but me- that charming smile them flashing eyes- I'd die in a minute just to win that charming for a minute from my thin little pixie. So keep me calm collected never so easily molested as with you... but I don't mind.

3:57am: Every year, insurance companies rank the "intelligence" of drivers in different states. And every year it comes out that "Northerners" are the dumbest drivers.

Last year I was living in Virginia and from anecdotal experience, Virginians can't drive. So when I heard about the survey, I went.... Pssssssh. And did some research. What I found was that despite having something like twice the rate of drunk driving, Virginia has FOUR TIMES the accident rate.

6:52pm: Besides Dreams
Ten bucks if you get the mood reference.
--------------------------------------

remembering the snow and the nights we spent alone remember your hair damp from the tears you pressed against our... bitter beginnings only two blue light victims waiting for our fair turn until fall took its turn. And we made our bad decisions, of course with complications complete with tragic ending sundays and day trips to memory with thoughts of rebuilding.

so spare the enmity, pass the faux concern of being broken right over, please. What shattered once, who broke who? I stand corrected only my recollection casts a different view of events. You were pre Eva 8 but I'm no more over you than you were the day we began that fickle hate so spare me the rejection, the manufactured sense of perfection. I don't need to be told, who imagined that dream?

So what's left, so what are we? Sadly maligned, victims of time, of evidentiary dispute. But I remember the snow and the nights spent alone and the spark of skin on skin. The sin in my eye in spinning that ring was just what it seemed, what you took it to mean. You're right, it can never be sullied or tainted or taken or less than it was which was more than just us. So blue light special, what's left but a dream?

10:02pm: Drown (Upstream)
friends and lovers close or not, they have their hearts you have yours, they have their lives you have yours, you gave yours up? musta been when you were stealing mine. I'm begging to see the chore of this, there's themes to this, this dream amiss you shoulda guessed I stared that nightmare down just long enough to see that I'd be drowned before the sun came back up, made sure before I turned back before life turned itself around that I'd be drowned.

Oh me blinded by the choices I never made, help me bury these secrets and I'll keep the luxury of yours. Guess I made my intentions too plain, I been asleep for years or days? guess that plan finally played where problems couldn't keep those dreams at bay so what's it say that we struggle on anyway? endlessly upstream where I can drown.

9:49am: quick escapes
replete in tragic seems I knew you'd never be my martyr wishful thinking got so hard I know I should go farther than I have to admire the tenacity of all your brilliance leading me to slaughter. what's left but pride? what's left but memories waiting to be lost to time? In time I'm told we'll lose the angst, the bitter screams and quick escapes but meantime all we've got's heartbreak waiting to be taught, each other to use and bend and break, it's time to admit I got lost along the way and tomorrow can never be yesterday... so I guess I'll say goodbye. It's time to put the past behind. what's left but pride? What's left but memories lost to time?

2:20pm: dream
Such strange dreams. In what life did you exist, sister mine, and where have you gone to? Such bright and youthful malevolence, secrets popping like ripped stitches. Replacing the Old Wounds with new. I didn't know I could rewrite something so expansive or create/erase something so beautifully tragic.

2:10am: Weekend
Holy. Christ.

My wild ride of a weekend seems to finally be at an end. Here's a run down.

Friday Night:

Birthday party at Johnny's. I remember very very little.

I don't drink like I used to, or at least not very often, and I don't drug like I used to, or at least the aims are different now. The game's the same, though, and of course I still have to play it the same. Excess. Not in terms of how much, although the two are often confused, but in terms of how far. How far did you push it? How far did you let it push you? Well. I pushed it further than I have in half a decade, and it gave me a nice shove back. Blackness and waking dreams. Dredging those depths, embracing your bleakness, your emptiness. Taking your demons head on while your body pretends it's still conscious. Splitting the Legion, letting it swallow you and rebirth you in your own image. Everything's a trip, if you know how to ride it right. It's a painful game, but if you can get through it and wake up the next morning, you won.

Obviously, I woke up the next morning. So I won. Again. Like I said, the Game's the same

Damage? A little jager. A whole hell of alot of rum. And alot of tequilla.

Less psuedo mystically, I got very, very trashed, We played slut, we did shots, we drank and were merry. I met some cool people and some not so cool people. Only one of the latter, actually. Word is I told him I'd kick him in the face but wasn't sober enough to get up off the kitchen floor and do it. Oh well. Always next time, right? Lots of poison meant some purging, but I don't remember any of that. I was elsewhere at the time. Early in the morning I got up to find the Girl, turned and attempted to fall next to her. Didn't see the coffee table. Landed on the edge, right against my left shoulder blade. I didn't dislocate it, thank Christ, but it does still kind of hurt like a bitch. Battle scars. I'll live.

Sunday was Bill's graduation and that was a trip in and of itself. Lots of traffic, the pedestrian variety. Crowds are always interesting.

I took lots of pictures and a little video. I watched him walk. Gown and tassle and all. I'm proud of you, Old Friend. You definitely earned it.

4:57am: No Shelter
Alright, I have some things to get off my chest. There are a few things I'm about done with, when it comes to the democrats, the liberals and the left. I don't like these things about conservatives either, but I have no expectation that they should act like moral, decent human beings, and for some strange reason I maintain that absurd comedy of imagination when it comes to the left. ( So here goes )

7:51pm: Profits and Prurience
( Leftists and Liberals )

Inspired in part by Against Me!s "Baby, I'm an Anarchist"

x-posted to ljdemocrats and maybe anarchists

8:21pm: Three Days Version 2
You've stolen my faith ripped it all away from the cradle to the grave. My sentence cannot be commuted I'll seek no pardon still, none of your charity in grace. I have no desire to return to the light of your divine... but tell em it's the right way. You murderer, you liar. Tell it to the Child who found no comfort in the arms of a Mother weeping still. Tell it those empty fucking desolate skies of February slumber, the sobbing of Children and the wails of their Mothers- No laughter, no joy no respite from the sleepless nights and darkenned dreams. Terror just in breathing, terror just in being. What Father lets his Children suffer so fucking mindless? Your Kingdom of Liars built on the backs of the broken, on these scars that can't and will not heal, I will not let heal lest I forget to despise the agony you've wrought... So burn with me in this wretched bliss you desired to bring down. You suffered for my sins? Well I'm suffering yours and I'd gladly trade your Three miserable days for some recess from the suffering you brought to the heart of a Child. You murderer, you monster, you deserved more than Three.

Did we displease the tyrant appeased only by slaughter? Hypocrite. You raise them sheep to slaughter for the wolves of your desire. You're a butcher, a monster, I want no peace with you. May you drown in your blood up high on your cross again... I pray to see the day worshipped by devout kneeling hypocrites you drown again I wish I'd held that spear. Like God, Like Savior; Like Apostolic fools in the Shadows of Liars. No God then; No Masters. Non Serviam complete. I want none of this so drink of my wretched misery, your salvation tastes still the bitter memory of Job. Truly Domine- Patri, Fili, et spiritu santi- cruciatus in crucem, eas in crucem.

2:20pm: Three Days
You've stolen everything, taken it all from me. My life and my light and my reason for being. Stolen my faith, you ripped it all away from the cradle to the grave my sentence can not be commuted but I will seek no pardon, none of your charitable grace. I have no desire to return to the light of your way. Tell em it's the right way, you murderer, you liar- tell it to the child with no comfort found. Tell it to those desolate skies of februaries slumber, the sobbing of Children and the wails of their Mothers, what Father lets his Children suffer so fucking mindless? What Father brings no joy, no smiles, no laughter but dark nights and terror in breathing? The Kingdom of Liars built on the backs of the broken, these scars that can't and will not heal, why shouldn't you burn with me in this agony you've wrought? Abandon your pretense, your pulpit, your richly clothed paupers. I'd gladly take your Three miserable days for a respite or recess from what you've brought down unto me, the suffering you delivered to the heart of a Child. You murderer, you monster, you deserved more than Three. Did we displease the tyrant appeased only by slaughter? Hypocrite, you raise them sheep to slaughter them like wolves. You're a butcher, a monster and I want no peace from you. May you drown again in your blood up high on your cross worshipped by devout kneeling hypocrites. Like God, like Savior, like Apostolic fools in the shadows of liars. No Gods then, No Masters, Non Serviam. I want none of this so drink of my misery, your salvation tastes a bitter memory. Truly, domine, patri, fili, et spiritu santi- eas in crucem, cruciatus in crucem.

Edit: I'm not entirely happy with this, but I like the work as a whole, so I may just fix it to my liking or rewrite it entirely. If I do I'll post it seperately and leave this one up.

10:45am: Everyone should watch this. Funniest. Sketch. Ever.

http://www.whitestkids.com.nyud.net:8090/video2/hitler.mov

also...

http://www.whitestkids.com.nyud.net:8090/video2/race_war.mov

Just trust me.

7:38am: A Prelude to Spring
can't forget the romance in the lies, what kinda sick inspired angel cut your side? was she mine? oh, but saviors always lie to keep that halo blue, they'll never die for you. patterned truth in her smile- we're happy too, but we'll still cry. time to let it die, lest we forget the romance of your lies.

Well who saved you? I used to think I needed saving too. Used to think the sin was set right in my skin a taint upon my soul to never go away, it'd be there for all my days. But in that daze of you I learned I could begin anew. Start fresh and lose the past, my past. With you. It's gone, all gone, I'm gone, you're gone but I. Can carry on. So forget that Boston summer, write Piscataway right off. Forget the past. It's gone.

5:58am: To Yesterday
I have re-dioscovered the absolute Joy and Wonder that is Bob Dylan.

It takes me back to a time and place that's gone from memory to mythic; a when that by now only exists in dreams and whispers.

I'm pretty sure almost no one from then reads this now and probably never will... but. I love you guys. We did some crazy shit and hardly a day goes by that I don't wish we still were.

Here's to pizza by the rail road tracks and jumping barbed wire fences; here's to tearing fences down, to running from the cops, to walking out the front door. Trips to Northampton and cold mornings at City Jakes, looking for parties at WNEC and missing 120 days.

Here's to fucking the day away and breaking your new futon and drifting half in dreams with the radio playing. Here's to pulling knives on the kids who followed us to your house and doing heroin in the cafeteria. Here's to smoking in your boyfriends basement and watching the clouds from the backseat of your car. Here's to telephone poles at sixty miles an hour, digging trenches in the sun and tormenting your poor sister. Here's to being too fucking stoned to move and playing Spite Malice in the woods.

Here's to the movie that never got made and making out in the girls bathroom. And the hallway. And the elevator. And behind the gym. And in the parking lot. And against the bus. And in the park. And the movie theater. And the field. And in the car outside your house. And the kitchen floor. And the girls bathroom at Dennys. And the womens dressing room in Filenes. And behind Allen Park apartments, for a cigarette. Here's to home made bongs and stealing your girlfriend. Girlfriends. Wife. Here's to Marilyn Manson tshirts and here's to killing time and brain cells. Here's to 15 to 21.

And here's to Robert, who's gone now. Rest in peace, buddy.

8:51am: Faithless (Faces and Strangers)
Clever words and clever phrases for the clever faces the angel leaves us graceless and despised we're feeling like we can't be saved what's there to save in us anyway? so broken uninspired this walking tragedy you wouldn't believe me if I tried, so why should I? Swollen and misused, I belong to broken pride what's left in me to die? I felt the ghost leave this shell back then when you fell and so did I. No forgiveness sleepless nights, it's all just worthless backwards looking rhetoric to make excuses for abuses and I'm here wondering when I'll survive these sleepless nights... you left me here, feeling graceless, lost and faithless promises this won't get better and I'm here broken pride what's left in me to die? No forgiveness sleepless nice we're all just worthless with backwards looking rhetoric to make excuses for abuses and I'm here wondering when I'll survive.

8:34am: Saint Eva of Sacred and Perpetual Agony
wish I knew just where to point the blame's there waiting patient for fingers to track its claim and it lingers, those feelings now I wish I was free. Your love it left a mark on me, revelation mark of the beast like I know I was already rotten but now it's there for everyone to see. Fuck you dear for leaving me here bruised and broken so fucking gently, so fucking brutal and senseless who besides me knows you're obscene? Wish you'd lost the battle, lost the race to replace your one and only, lost the wit to commit to breaking everything in me, now I'm smashed so fuck you..I wish you hadn't seen the vulnerable in me. Feel the coke pulling right against my broken heart... I wanna push right back, I know you wouldn't mind... if I got mine... if I got mine. Eva, Eva, everything's gone to be so fucking tragic, my life's gone anticlimactic now you're gone. I wish I could forget every agony that's become your memories in my head, they're killing me but I know you'd bleed to see me well.

7:05am: Tragic everything
Someday you will find me, caught beneath a landslide. In a champagne supernova, in the sky.

Memories. You were the landslide, but I'm pretty sure you never found me. Here's to bitter, cryptic bullshit. And here's a couple more.

So what's the matter with you? Sing me something new. Don'tcha know the cold and wind and rain don't know, they only seem to come and go away? Stand by me... Nobody knows the way it's gonna be. Stand by me, god only knows...

So, so you think you can tell heaven from hell? Blue skies from pain? Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil? Do you think you can tell? Did they get you to trade your heros for ghosts? Hot ashes for trees? Hot earth for a cool breeze? Cold comfort for change? Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

Wish you were here.

Reminds me of the second time that I followed you home. We're running out of alibis on the second of May. Reminds me of the summertime... on this winters day. See you at the bitter end.

There's a memory of a window looking through I see you searching for something I could never give and there's someone who understands you more than I do. A sadness I can't erase, all alone on your face.

The world has turned and left me here, just where I was before you appeared and in your place an empty space has filled the void behind my face. I just made love with your sweet memory a thousand times in my head. You said you loved it more than ever. You said. You remain turned away, turning further every day. The world has turned and left me here, where I was before you appeared and in your place an empty space has filled the void behind my face.

And I know that I missed you. And I'm sorry if I dissed you.

11:31pm: 94
there's plenty of blame to find, so curse your life your eyes find themselves victims to the lies they laid upon our time we knew it couldn't be true, not to break our pride but we're fine. Ninety four I felt I grew last time. Lost youth among the ferns and pines, oh how'd we pine to find our lives we can wish it all alright. We can still be fine, it's not the end of the world this time to break in the rains that fell that day from the grey static sky where we watched ourselves stand and say goodbye in a crowd of liars. Ninety four I felt I grew for last time. Life's kept moving but we've kept standing still, nothing's better than you're still bitter willing to move again, I can move in you again just like last time there's plenty of blame to find so curse our lives maybe we'll find what we longed to find in Ninety Four I felt I grew for the last time.